It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
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Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.