Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
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[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
When ur friends with white people
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.