my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
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I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The French cow says MEUX…
Still my favourite meme.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.