Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
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my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
🤭😂
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?