Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Sponch
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.