Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
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Every house has this drawer
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“We will wed,” I threatened
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
concern
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up