Peter Parker Peter Driver
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My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop