If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.