If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
won’t smith
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor