Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
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I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.