I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
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[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Great acting.. 😂
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Okay me first
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath