Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
If you love someone, let them tweet.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.