Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
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Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
this is the news I live for
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.