Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
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Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.