They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭