How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I already tried new things thanks.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king