When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I can’t be the only one 😂
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
The devil.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.