facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
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Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.