Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”