Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.