Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.