[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
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I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
No, he would not have.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.