Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
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I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Um … Hot Wings please
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.