Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
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I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street