if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me too
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.