Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.