My work here is done
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All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”