After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?