Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
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I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.