If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
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neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Said the murderer.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Fight
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
The symmetry is uncanny.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat