“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I think this should do it.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan