Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens