Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.