Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
sir, my pâté if you please
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
❤️🦆
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.