“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Stop.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do