There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.