A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off