boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.