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Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I cannot call her anything else now
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I get distracted pretty eas
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.