Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
car not found
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
No chill.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.