[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.