Baking is just science you can eat.
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not