No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
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Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.