WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
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“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot