how to have fun when you’re poor
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Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down