Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
When the stylist spins you back around
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
This device could predict incoming phone calls.