I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
How did we not see this back then?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape