TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
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doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: