me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
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Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
But I really needed water water water
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Gemma Correll
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
how long have you had this for?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan