The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms